I hate being that guy, the one who is always telling others his troubles, the host of a never-ending pity party. That is not what this blog is about.

The unavoidable truth is that as we get older, we begin to lose friends, family members, and spouses. I do not intend to dwell on it, it’s just on my mind and on my heart today, just a couple days after the 6^th year anniversary of my wife Marsha’s passing. I’ll mention it now, in the hope that you will feel you know me a little better. Maybe you’ve had similar circumstances. If you choose to follow my blog, you will find that I tend to speak from the heart.

A little over six years ago, my wife Marsha went into surgery at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, Florida to have a brain tumor removed. The tumor was removed, and our granddaughter Annika and I were thrilled that she could tell Grandma that the operation was successful when she woke up. But sadly, that didn’t happen. There was bleeding in her brain, and she suffered a series of strokes while still in a coma. Marsha never woke up, and a few days later, she died at the age of 63. So, in my mind, even though her body expired March 5^th, her life effectively ended when they put her under anesthesia on February 24^th, 2017. So, I wish to honor Marsha Baker by dedicating today’s post to her memory.

This February 24^th marked 6 years since my wife Marsha went in for surgery at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, Florida, and never woke up. That night was a tough one, trying to get some sleep, taking care of our then nine-year-old granddaughter, answering calls from the medical staff, trusting them to know the answers, authorizing emergency procedures in the hope of improving Marsha’s chances. Maybe I’ll talk more about it later in another post. I must find a way to move on, to build new memories.

There are several times during the year that bring on memories, both good and bad. For me, Thanksgiving is in November, Christmas is in December, Marsha’s birthday is in January. Wedding and adoption anniversaries are in February, as is the day Marsha went in for surgery. And then in March, we removed life support, and she passed away soon after. All of these dates are impossible to ignore.

I’ve never been one to get too emotional about Christmas. I have always enjoyed it, but for me it is more a time to reflect on what is important in life. And of course, it’s fun to dress as Santa and try to fool the grandkids. But I don’t get depressed because I’m not over-the-top happy. I don’t see the need to put myself under that sort of pressure, to feel miserable because I could not achieve the unachievable.

I’m doing ok, but after 6 years, it is still not unusual for me to cry now and again. Now, it is only once in a while, almost always in private. In the beginning, it was several times a day, and I would often break down in front of others. I wasn’t embarrassed. It just meant that I loved her. Annika only had 9 ½ years with her Grandma, who she loved and needed so much. I grieve that they didn’t have more time together.

I grieve that Marsha did not get to know and love her other three grandchildren. For a while –  a long time, actually –  I felt a sort of survivor’s guilt. Why should I be allowed to know and love my grandchildren, to do things together with them, spoil them rotten, host overnight sleepovers with them, when Marsha couldn’t?

It just wasn’t fair. But, in time, I accepted that even though it wasn’t fair, it was the way it was, and nobody wished it to be that way. Nobody did anything to cause events to unfold as they did. And nobody could have changed it.

Did I want to be a part of my four grandchildren’s lives, or did I want to deny them the love and attention of a grandfather? It was up to me. And I got over the guilt by reminding myself that Marsha would have wanted me to be part of their lives, as I would have wanted her to be if the situation were reversed and it had been me who had died.

I’m thankful for the 43 years Marsha and I had together, and I am sorry it had to end the way it did, but that was out of our control. And now, it is time to move on. I know that’s what Marsha would want for me. It’s what I would have wanted for her if it were the other way around.

We are NOT OLD!!! Those of us born in the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s, the Baby Boomers, are now … I can hardly make myself say it … Senior Citizens! We have, or soon will have finally made it to retirement. That does not mean we are old. We are just chronologically challenged! 

Our future is exciting – we now have the freedom we have worked, sacrificed, and saved for – and at the same time, frightening. We go from being vital and necessary, to “I used to be ….” And we fear our future will never be as good as our past. Finances and health permitting, we can do the things we’ve always dreamed of. Hopefully, we have by now already checked off several things on our bucket list, replacing them with new ones as we went along.

Whenever I think of Marsha, it drives home the importance of squeezing every last drop we can out of life while we still can. I am glad that we took advantage of opportunities to do many enjoyable things, making memories along the way, before her health prevented it.

We hiked the Grand Canyon in 1982. Went down one day, spent the night at the Phantom Ranch, then hiked out the next day. We went to Hawaii. Attended the cheapest, most poorly-run luau you could ever imagine, but it was fun nonetheless. Walked the beaches. Made memories.

We raised horses on our mini-farm, camped and rode trails with our “horse friends” in Indiana. We rode with outfitters in Alaska, the Canadian Rockies, and on beaches in New Zealand. We attended a performance at the Sydney Opera House, and a few days later rode in a hot air balloon while vacationing in Australia.

Later, when we lived in Florida, we cruised the lakes in our pontoon boat, enjoying the weather, admiring the houses along the waterfront, and stopping at lakeside restaurants for lunch.

The boat was also great for fishing. Annika in particular loved fishing. I stayed busy keeping her hook baited and removing sunfish whenever she reeled them in.

We were pretty easy-going, casual about it, but some people take fishing very seriously, and they carefully choose their boats, not to mention fishing equipment to enhance the enjoyment of their hobby.

There are many fishing campgrounds where you can come and go as you please, and lodges to choose from if you prefer to do it that way.

And we raised a daughter, Angi, that we loved with all our hearts. We had a good life together. But all too soon, Marsha was gone. She knew and loved one grandchild, but never had the opportunity to know the others that came along later. We honor Marsha by sharing stories about her with the little ones, and they feel a connection to her.

Who among us knows how many grains of sand remain in our individual hourglasses? By now, we’ve certainly all lost friends, and some of us have lost spouses. We understand that life is short, and nothing lasts forever. I don’t know about you, but when I was young, I had no idea how quickly the years would fly by. And if I’d known I was going to live this long, I certainly would have taken better care of myself!

OK, What now? What do we do with the rest of our lives? How do we make the future the best it can be? While we can afford to. While we still have our health.

Do we go into a version of the two-minute drill, like you see in a football game, packing as much as we can into every day? Do as much as we can, as fast as we can?

Or do we pace ourselves?

I personally would rather wear out than rust out. And I am a firm believer that the time to do things is NOW. While you can afford it. While you are still healthy and able. Let’s face it, we aren’t getting any younger!

I am reasonably healthy, but finances and family circumstances prevent me from having a new adventure every week. Even so, I do still have several opportunities. And so do you, I bet.

Some of us want to travel. Some want to pursue hobbies. And others want to continue working. Or maybe a combination of these options. That’s the best part about being retired. You can pick and choose.

And if you don’t like something, leave it, forget it, and choose again.

If it helps, make a bucket list of all the things you want or need to do before you “kick the bucket”. The places you want to go. The things you want to see. The acquaintances you want to renew. The apologies you want to make that are long overdue. The people you need to forgive, if not for their benefit, then for your own. Whether they apologize or not, whether you ever see them again or not. The personal goals, the things you want to achieve. The possibilities are endless.

I will soon create and submit a post with a few suggestions. That’s all they are, suggestions. Take what you like and discard the rest. You will no doubt think of many other things to add to your list.

As you check off items, feel free to add more. The point is not to complete the list, and then die. The point is to keep adding and checking off items.

LIVE until you die.

Let’s all make the most of whatever time we have.